The Weekly Reframe: What happens when self-loathing is dressed up as self-study

Supporting you to free your mind so you can live from your heart!

“Transformation begins when we stop shining the spotlight on ourselves and realize we don’t live in our circumstances - we live in the feeling of our thinking.” 

- Michael Neill

We Live in the Feeling of Our Thinking: How Your Thoughts Create Your Reality

By Jessie Schoen, Life Coach & Mindset Mentor

The Moment I Couldn't Unsee

"We live in the feeling of our thinking." When I finally saw this in my own life, I couldn't unsee it.

For most of my life, I thought if I could just get my circumstances to line up (the right job, the right place, the right version of me), then I'd finally feel better. When I compared my life to other people's, which I used to do often, it never measured up. So I doubled down on self-improvement, studying myself like a problem to be solved.

My Suffering Wasn't Coming from My Life

What I couldn't see then was that my suffering wasn't coming from my life. It was coming from my thinking about my life. My mind was running stories on repeat: "You're behind. You are not enough. You don't matter. There is something wrong with you and you need to fix it. You should have figured this out by now."

Those thoughts created the dread and hopelessness I lived in, no matter what was happening outside me.

Self-Loathing Dressed Up as Self-Study

On the surface, it looked like anxiety and depression that I attempted to numb with substances and a hunger for external validation. Underneath, it was self-loathing dressed up as self-study.

Sidenote: my brain STILL runs these painful stories, although less often, and it is painful when they are activated. I sometimes act out in ways I wish I didn't. And the difference is I am aware of them now, and sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly see when they are up at bat. I am also way more compassionate with myself because I see, "oh, it's that old familiar you-are-not-enough story cropping up."

What Coaching Revealed About My Mind

When I started getting coached, I finally saw what was actually going on in there. In my mind. I saw that my mind isn't the enemy. It's just doing what it evolved to do: protect me and keep me alive.

Why Your Brain Equates Discomfort with Danger

Our primitive brains equate discomfort with danger. Back in the day, "danger" meant stepping out of the cave and getting eaten by a saber-toothed tiger. Now it means feeling our emotions, those electric sensations that course through our bodies when we're scared or sad or uncertain or content or joyful or ecstatic.

Feelings Are Smoke Detectors, Not Problems

To evolve as humans is to stop hiding from the feeling of being alive, and to recognize that, as Michael Neill says (I'm paraphrasing here): we think the feelings of worry and stress and insecurity are problems. They are not problems. They are smoke detectors. You don't want to get rid of them. You just don't want them going off all of the time if there isn't an actual fire.

There Is No Such Thing as a Solution to a Feeling

There is no such thing as a solution to a feeling. Feelings are our guides and the uncomfortable ones are just as important as the delightful ones because they guide us to help us see if we have lost our way or gone off the road and are now on the rumble strips.

What Coaching Does: Bringing the Unseen into Sight

That's what coaching helps with: it brings the unseen into sight. When you start to notice the thought loops and narratives that have been running your life with compassion and question the validity, you can actually see there might be another way to live based on your gifts, values and intentions.

These are always there. The mind just needs to be taught how to shift the focus there instead. And once you learn this you can develop the skill of noticing the fear and worry with compassion and allow it to guide you and then shift your focus to creation and contribution.

Understanding the Thought-Feeling Connection

The principle "we live in the feeling of our thinking" is one of the most transformative insights in personal development and coaching. It means:

Your feelings don't come from your circumstances. They come from your thoughts about your circumstances.

Two people can experience the exact same situation and feel completely differently about it because they're thinking different thoughts. Your thinking creates your feeling, which creates your experience of reality.

Why This Changes Everything

When you understand that you live in the feeling of your thinking, not the feeling of your circumstances, everything shifts. You stop trying to control the external world to feel better. You start noticing the stories your mind tells and questioning whether they're actually true.

This doesn't mean positive thinking or pretending everything is fine. It means seeing clearly what's actually happening in your mind versus what's happening in reality.

Your Invitation: A Question to Reflect On

So I'll leave you with a question: Where in your life might a hidden thought be shaping your world and what could open up if you saw it clearly?

Step By Step,

Jessie Schoen
Life Coach & Mindset Mentor
www.jessieschoencoaching.com

Frequently Asked Questions

What does "we live in the feeling of our thinking" mean?

"We live in the feeling of our thinking" means that your emotional experience comes from your thoughts about your circumstances, not from the circumstances themselves. Two people can experience the same situation and feel completely differently because they're thinking different thoughts. Your thinking creates your feeling, which creates your experience of reality.

How do thoughts create feelings?

Thoughts create feelings through a neurological process. When you think a thought (like "I'm not enough" or "I'm behind"), your brain signals your body to produce corresponding emotions and physical sensations. These feelings then seem like they're caused by your circumstances, but they're actually caused by your interpretation of those circumstances, your thinking about them.

Why do I keep thinking the same negative thoughts?

Your brain runs repetitive negative thoughts because it's trying to protect you. These thought loops often formed as survival strategies earlier in life and became habitual neural pathways. Your primitive brain equates discomfort with danger, so it constantly scans for problems. These patterns continue until you become aware of them and consciously practice redirecting your attention.

Is anxiety caused by my thinking or my circumstances?

Anxiety is primarily caused by your thinking about your circumstances, not the circumstances themselves. While real threats exist, most modern anxiety comes from thought loops about potential future problems rather than actual present danger. Your brain treats uncomfortable thoughts as threats (like a saber-toothed tiger), triggering the same survival response even when you're physically safe.

What is the difference between self-study and self-loathing?

Self-study becomes self-loathing when it's driven by the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you that needs fixing. Healthy self-awareness comes from curiosity and compassion. Self-loathing comes from the thought "I am not enough" and uses self-examination as proof of your inadequacy. Coaching helps you distinguish between the two and shift from criticism to compassion.

Are feelings problems that need to be solved?

No. As coach Michael Neill points out, feelings are not problems, they are smoke detectors. You don't want to get rid of them. You just don't want them going off all the time when there isn't an actual fire. Uncomfortable feelings are guides that help you see when you've lost your way. There is no such thing as a solution to a feeling, only awareness and acceptance of what the feeling is signaling.

How does coaching help you see your hidden thoughts?

Coaching brings the unseen into sight. A coach helps you notice the thought loops and narratives that have been running your life unconsciously. Through questioning, reflection, and compassionate observation, you begin to see these patterns clearly. Once aware, you can question their validity and choose to shift your focus from fear and worry to your gifts, values, and intentions.

Can you stop your brain from running negative thought loops?

You can't completely stop your brain from running negative thought loops (our brains evolved to scan for danger), but you can change your relationship with them. Through coaching and practice, you develop the skill of noticing these thoughts with compassion, recognizing them as protective mechanisms rather than truth, and consciously redirecting your focus to creation and contribution instead of fear.

What does it mean that feelings are rumble strips?

Feelings act like rumble strips on a highway. Just as rumble strips alert you when you've drifted off the road, uncomfortable feelings alert you when you've lost your way or strayed from your values and intentions. They're guidance systems, not problems to eliminate. When you feel worry, stress, or insecurity, it's your internal system signaling that your thinking may have drifted into old protective patterns.

How do I shift from thought loops to living from my values?

Shifting from thought loops to values-based living requires: (1) Awareness, noticing when old narratives are running, (2) Compassion, recognizing these patterns as protective rather than flaws, (3) Questioning, asking if these thoughts are actually true or just familiar stories, (4) Redirection, consciously focusing on your gifts, values, and intentions, and (5) Practice, developing the skill over time with support from coaching.

Ready to see the hidden thoughts shaping your life and shift from fear to creation? Book your free clarity call →