The Weekly Reframe: Why behavior change fails - and what actually leads to transformation
Supporting you to free your mind so you can live from your heart!
"When a person’s self-perceptions are changed, their behavior automatically changes. In short, human behavior is not determined by what they want, or what one is trying to do…rather it is determined by how one 'sees' themself and how one perceives themself responding to other people, circumstances and the events of daily life."
-Lindsay Brady
How Self-Perception Shapes Behavior: Why Identity Change Comes Before Lasting Transformation
The Origins of Self-Perception: How We Form Our Identity
Self-perception forms naturally, beginning in the earliest moments of our lives. From the ways caregivers respond to us, to the feedback we receive from friends, teachers, and peers, we start to build an internal sense of who we are. These impressions accumulate over time, forming patterns that feel familiar and reliable.
Then these responses begin to solidify. They start as impressions of what works in a given moment—small cues, repeated experiences, or survival strategies that helped us navigate situations successfully. Even a single effective response can teach the brain that this approach is reliable, shaping how we respond in the future.
The Power and Limitation of Labels
Self-perception is often reinforced through labels, both the ones given to us and the ones we adopt ourselves.
Labels can be useful. They help us name patterns and make sense of behavior. And over time, it's easy to unconsciously identify with them. But what starts as a description of how we respond in certain situations can slowly become a description of who we are.
When that happens, the brain treats the label as fact - the way things are - rather than something that formed in response to specific conditions. At that point, the label stops being useful and starts functioning as a crutch, narrowing what feels possible.
Common Identity Labels That Limit Us:
"I'm not a morning person"
"I'm just not good with money"
"I'm a people-pleaser"
"I'm not the kind of person who..."
"I've always been anxious"
Why Behavior Change Alone Doesn't Work
This is why, when people want to change, they usually focus on behavior. They want to change what they are doing. They try harder. They set bigger goals. They manage themselves more closely.
But as Lindsay Brady points out in her work on identity-based transformation, behavior doesn't actually lead the way. Self-perception - who we see ourselves to be in the moment - does.
The Key Insight:
What we do is a result of who we believe ourselves to be.
We don't respond to life based on what we want to do.
We respond based on who we believe we are in that moment.
It brings to mind what Marianne Williamson reminds us in her classic book, A Return to Love: when we see ourselves as helpless, we respond helplessly. When we see ourselves as powerful, different responses become available.
How Self-Perception Actually Changes
So changing self-perception isn't about positive thinking or adopting a new identity like a sudden costume change. It doesn't happen because we convince ourselves of something new.
It happens because we experience ourselves responding differently over time, even in the smallest of ways.
What Identity Shifts Look Like in Daily Life:
Pausing instead of explaining
Letting discomfort be there without fixing it
Allowing someone else to feel disappointed while staying connected to ourselves
Saying no without over-apologizing
Taking a break when you need it, even if others expect you to keep going
Noticing your own needs before automatically meeting someone else's
Over time, responding differently creates a new pattern that leads to new behavior, which in turn shapes a new sense of identity. That moment of awareness creates choice. And choice, repeated over time, is what reshapes self-perception.
Real-Life Examples: Identity Shifts in Action
A few real-life examples of this transformation process from my coaching practice:*
Case Study 1: From Smoker to Non-Smoker
I have a client who quit smoking. When I asked what enabled the change, they said it was because they no longer wanted to be a smoker. They shifted their identity to being a non-smoker.
When I asked why being a non-smoker mattered, they explained that they wanted to face life directly, without relying on anything external to cope. First, they had to recognize their pattern of using smoking as a coping mechanism and genuinely want to let it go.
Case Study 2: From Non-Driver to Driver
Another client is in the process of shifting their identity from being a non-driver, someone who relies on others for transportation, to being a driver. This seemingly simple shift represents a profound change in self-perception: from dependent to independent, from limited to capable.
The Extraordinary Power of Conscious Identity Shifts
When these shifts happen, they are truly extraordinary: people consciously stepping outside their usual patterns, their ordinary life, to create something new.
This is how extraordinary lives are created.
This awareness doesn't require forcing new behavior; it begins with seeing yourself more clearly.
Reflection Prompts: Examining Your Self-Perception
Consider these questions as you explore your own identity patterns:
What labels have I unconsciously accepted about myself? Which ones are limiting what feels possible?
In what areas of my life am I trying to change behavior without questioning the underlying identity?
Who would I need to see myself as to make the change I'm seeking?
What is one small way I could respond differently this week that would be evidence of the identity I want to embody?
About Identity-Based Coaching
I'm Jessie Schoen, a personal development coach specializing in helping spiritual warriors and changemakers shift the self-perceptions that keep them stuck. My approach focuses on:
Identity transformation and self-perception work
Understanding how the brain forms and reinforces limiting beliefs
Creating lasting behavior change through awareness and choice
Working with nervous system regulation to support new patterns
Moving from confusion to clarity through compassionate self-awareness
This work goes deeper than traditional goal-setting or accountability coaching. We work at the identity level, examining not just what you do, but who you believe yourself to be.
If you're ready to step outside your usual patterns and consciously create something new, I currently have two openings for 1:1 coaching clients. Book your free clarity call here.
Step by step,
Jessie Schoen
Life Coach & Identity Transformation Specialist
www.jessieschoencoaching.com
*Client examples shared anonymously with permission