The Weekly Reframe: Becoming vulnerable and opening to life
Supporting you to free your mind so you can live from your heart!
"The answer doesn’t lie in learning how to protect ourselves from life - it lies in learning how to become strong enough to let more of it in."
— Merle Shain
As I’ve shared before, our brain’s primary job is to keep us alive, and it takes that job very seriously. In its attempt to protect us, it often tries to limit our range of experiences, shielding us from anything that might cause emotional harm, rejection, or disappointment. In other words, as the quote above suggests, it aims to protect us from life itself.
When we are focused on the limiting messages that fire from the survival part of our brain, the amygdala, the result is a life that can start to feel small. We may walk around with closed hearts, a defensive attitude, and an orientation toward saying “no” to life instead of “yes.”
At around 18 to 24 months old, we develop the ability to say “no.” Any parent can probably remember their child’s first joyful experiment with the word. But unfortunately, we can get stuck in this developmental stage, saying “no” over and over for the rest of our lives. Often, we’re not even aware we’re doing it. We simply live with a vague sense of dissatisfaction or unfulfillment, and perhaps with feelings of depression or anxiety.
The “no” feels good to the brain, it means no action is required, which feels safe. But that safety comes at a cost. It can shut us off from the richness and satisfaction of a life well lived.
This is where being vulnerable comes in. My mentor, Dr. Maria Nemeth, taught me a new definition of the word that ties in with the quote above: "vulnerable: - to allow the winds of life to blow freely over your soul. To let life in on life’s terms. When we are vulnerable we also become defenseless - because we see we have nothing to defend."
Being willing to be vulnerable means being open to both joy and pain, to possibility and risk. When we are vulnerable, we also become defenseless. Not because we are weak. But because we see there is nothing to defend. And when there is nothing to defend, there is nothing to close off. We meet life as it is, instead of trying to armor ourselves against it.
Quick personal example of the "no" reflex: I'm currently spending some time at a beautiful lake house and we were generously given access to use the pontoon boat. I do not have much experience on boats. I can probably count on one hand the number of times in over 4 decades on the planet that I have been on a boat. My brain kept sending me thoughts of everything that could go wrong, catastrophizing the situation. Mind you this is a pontoon boat not a speed boat, but my brain didn't care. "Boats are unfamiliar and scary, " I was thinking.
So I found myself telling my better half that we could go out on the boat "some other time." My brain kept saying "no" and wanting to put it off even though my soul LOVES the water. When I saw what my survival brain was up to, I was able to compassionately witness it and send myself some love and get on that dang boat for the most beautiful sunrise excursion this morning. I'm grateful I didn't let my brain limit my experience this morning.
Coaching teaches us the skills to live in this way. To say “yes” to life. We learn to lean in and look for the lesson and gift in the challenging moments instead of pushing them away or avoiding anything that might feel challenging and/or unfamiliar. In doing so, we grow beyond the brain’s survival reflex. We see life not as something to avoid or endure, but as a privilege and a choice.
I invite you to look in and see if there is an area or two in your life you might lean into a little more!
In the end, saying yes to life is not about being fearless, it’s about being willing. And being willing is what lets life truly reach us.
Step By Step,
Jessie